Blood Over Everything

“I’ll still swim to you, if you had a shark with you.”

-Young Thug

I’m amazed at what this last year has brought me. Honestly, I have been blessed, broken, depressed, victorious, fearful, courageous. I’ve felt alone, and yet, smothered all at the same damn time. I have questioned my faith, beliefs, views, and character. I’ve wondered whether my heart was truly in raising my seven year old daughter. I have thought numerous times that I am not up to the challenge. That she deserves far beyond what I can give her.

For three years, my daughter grew and learned without me in her life. The fight for her return was beyond brutal. Almost a year just in court dates and large amounts of lawyer fees. Just to finally see her beautiful face. I had hoped that we could start where we had left off. But my love for her before was not the same when we were finally reconciled. I thought this would be all “fun and games”, as the saying goes. That she would call me “Dad” just like before. I hoped that a six year old was mentally able to understand and emotionally stable enough to deal with her “Dad” returning. I thought that the days of love and joy that we shared would soon return. I was awakened from those dreams in only moments of having her back in my life.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that the person I loved beyond my own comprehension, no longer knew who I was. If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t know who she was either. Her eyes looked at me as if I was a complete stranger. Maybe, I was naive for thinking and hoping for the best possible outcome. I just wanted my princess back. I wanted to be someone she needed and counted on. I wanted to be her “knight in shining armor”. I wanted to race to her on my white stallion and save her from any harm. I was wounded deeply to finally understand that I was a coward more than I was the knight in shining armor. I was the villain who caused more harm to this beautiful innocent child. Three years I took from her and it can never be replaced. I was broken when I opened my eyes to see just partially of what I had taken from her.

When I started this journey I hoped my daughter would need me. I seen through this last year that no matter whether I would have been in her life or not, she would have thrived. She had all she needed. Her mother and stepdad had already started building a life for her. That was a more crushing blow to my pride then anything I had ever endured. I questioned what the hell was I even in her life for? I searched for months for an answer. What use was I to her? Paying child support and getting her every other weekend was not enough for me. I didn’t feel like I was pulling enough weight and I desired to be the one she needed.

“‘Twas the night before Christmas Eve”

It’s been a little over a year since the “comeback”. Tonight me and my now seven year old, enjoyed a Tim Allen classic, Santa Clause. Before the ending of every movie she passes out (she can’t hang). After she falls deep into her dreams I continue to watch her, for years I lost these moments. Now I let tears soak my face during the smallest bonding that we do. Even when she is unconscious and cannot see what is happening. I wade within the oceans of love that I feel towards her. It is a passionate storm to say the least.

As for the question I continued to search for, I found the answer tonight. Watching her sleep I could not control the tears. Tears of rooted love, tears of victory, tears of understanding. My daughter may have never searched for me. Maybe, she never would have questioned her mother about me. Maybe she never would have known or needed me.

But…..

“Deep calls unto deep”

I NEEDED HER. ALL of her.

It WAS

Love INCOMPREHENSIBLE.

Even in the midst of all of my failures and faults towards her, GRACE was extended.

Beyond what I can even now comprehend, MERCY!

Over this past year of being blessed with her presence. I’m learning how to be an active father. I’m learning what it means to protect your own. The meaning of legacy, forgiveness, and will power. I have come to understand duty, priorities, and sacrifice. The greatest of all these I am learning is how to love someone who may not even know who I am. In all of this I still make mistakes. I miss weekends, I get discouraged, I fail at disciplinary tactics ,and even still I wonder why I am able to be apart of her life. I am always afraid to mess her up. I want to give all I have and all I am to her.

I want to be COMPLETELY VULNERABLE in her Presence.

I do not know what the next years will bring. All I know is as a “FATHER” I want to know my daughter deeper and I want to walk with her through life’s journey. I hope that one day my hand will be the one she can grasp and trust again. I desire to win her heart more then anyone else’s. It may cost me more effort and strength then I think I have. But the end result will be worth it ALL.

All of who I AM!

“Blood Over Everything”